Walking the aisle
I did not see what happened, but I felt it. The moment my elbow bumped into soft tissue, I felt how my left foot hooked behind her right foot.
While I lift her from the floor I apologize. “Oh… excuse me! I… I did not hurt you, did I?”
She mumbled an answer while brushing imaginary dust from her black jacket. I did not understand what she said, or rather… I did not process it. Not until she had left already.
“If only…” That was what she said.
While holding the bananas I do not need, the answer she gave keeps repeating inside of my head. “If only…”
The answer matches her face quite fittingly. “If only.” A sad face on a sad girl.
Three days later I see her again. Different aisle, but same black jacket beneath wolf’s gray hair. Still wearing the “If only” face. So, I approach her and tell her that I do not understand her answer.
I have never seen anyone turn that red that sudden. She disappears before I can launch my next question, leaving her groceries behind.
Another week passes by before I manage to get close enough to her to ask her out for a cup of coffee. Her answer is no.
But, for some reason, she asks for my phone number. So… I give it.
For verification purposes, she calls me. I log the call under ‘sad face’ since she is unwilling to tell me her name.
It is at this point that she asks me to back off… she will call me if she is interested.
Yeh…Stupid me… If I keep approaching her she might file a complaint, because.. well, she now knows who I am. Phone number 0655555555.
This is a lost cause. She did play it smart though.
I remove her number and go on with my life.
Three weeks later I am invited via an unknown number via a very odd WhatsUp message:
“This might lead to a lifetime of regret, but I must do this. This evening 8:00 PM. My place?
The number is unknown… Obviously, it is, I deleted hers, but this can only be one person. Miss sad Face.
Having not that many communication skills when it comes to turning down women, I know how to reply to this kind of message in one way only:
Then she writes: “Dyroad 7… please… do not disappoint?”
I might not be the smartest brain on this planet. But I have the feeling that her ‘do not disappoint’ remark has little to do with bedsheets. This is a bit of a bummer, but, I write back: “No worries… I am a good listener”
I am genuinely interested in this one. She is curious. It makes me put the phone down with a big smile. This can become my number nineteen, but so far she makes me work for it. I like it.
And honestly, me bumping into her? It was a genuine mistake. I totally did not plan to hook my shoe behind hers after bumping my right elbow into her left breast.
That breast was a mistake too… I aimed for her shoulder, but I tripped.
Writer: That’s it… you survived the first page. Only harassment here… nothing too heavy… Unless you’re the girl who gets bumped into 15 times before she manages to buy her groceries, just because she happens to look “pretty”.
Guys… please. It did not work in the past, it does not work in the present and it will not work in the future… And you know what? The solution is so dead easy… If you want to touch someone, you have to ask first… So, there you have it: the perfect opening inside a supermarket.
“Hai, I want to have an excuse to talk to you. Is it ok if I bump into you, so I can say sorry and ask you out for a cup of coffee?”
There… how difficult can it be. Just do not forget to smile during the entire process or you will look like a total creep.
Or… as in my case: Just say you have no humor so the only thing you have to offer is coffee.
(Yes… this worked actually. I married her.)
Oh… and one more thing… asking can be annoying too. So… if there is no eye contact… you already lost. Do not try!
So… moral compasses undusted? If you bump into someone on purpose, you’re not inside a comedy. You in fact are harassing that someone and that someone can press charges against you!
Let’s turn the dials up a notch… Let’s make the story even more creepy.